i hated this city before you came here.

right now, its 11:43 pm. a tuesday night, its warm out. slow songs, and soft light flood my brain. my heart is content, almost sleepy from comfort it hasnt know in ages. oh my. my face aches from smiles spent today. my hair is soft. my feet are bare. my tummy is full. my arms tingle, and my heart beats steadily. just thinking about this summer love. this loving summer. im protected in a place where broken hearted sailors songs dont tug at my heart strings, and destroy my sacred places. my quiet rest, my one and only. the world cant touch us, nothing can crush us. there must not be strength in numbers, because we have become one. and i've never been stronger than these hours, days, weeks, months... has is been years yet? it has. its been eternities. forever is taking root, growing in my feeble bones. something supernatural. you are supernatural. thank God you see me the way you do, strange as you are to me. oh, those rough waters! oh, those turmoiled seas! be gone in the light of this love. dawn breaks and the storms are over. drop me in the bay, baby.

When you laugh you'll feel my breath there
filling up your lungs. And when you cry,
those aren't your tears but I'm there
falling down your cheek.
adn when you say you love him, taste me
I'm like poison on your tongue-
But when you're tired, if you're quiet,
you'll hear me singing you to sleep.

good morning world. its midnight and nine minutes. i am sitting in my favorite, worn in, plaid arm chair. im at my sisters house. my one and only home. my sister and brother are in the kitchen talking about how to make my room better, but im not listening so i dont know exactly what the plan is. im getting computer time because my sister is making my brother do housework. i dont hate it. my knees and back are very tired. but its almost like a good feeling. like if you work out really hard, or swim all day. and you sit down to eat a sandwhich or something and you realize how stretched and tired you are. you know that feeling? i do. there is only one light on it the entire house and its right above my head. im in my pj's already and im ready for reading and then sleeping.i've got a lot of my mind, but no words to articulate them. today i saw tyler. he's a comforting and familiar face. like home to me. have i mention the incredible integrity of the boys that i call close friends. people like connor, greg, johnny. and new friends like sam, jesse, and steven. or old-soul friends like michael and sam. i have this dream inside of my many locked chambers that i could protect them from all the girls that dont deserve them. or that i could preserve our perfect friendship in the solid and unwavering state they all once stood in.

i need female fellowship. i really do. but the girls that share my heart stories, and day dreams seem to far away. only a few rest here in my town. and they seem distant. i dont know how to get close to them, and i especially dont know how to stay close to them. i've never been good at this. add that to the list of things to beg for. haha. its astonishing how vile and futile i am without God. i dont know a single thing, and i scramble at the slightest hint of unorganization and loss of control. silly girl.

new subject. i know this couple. and they are absolutely the most insane thing in the world to me right now. let me try to explain. when i see pictures of them, or see them together, or hear them talk abotu each other, or read something about them it feels like : a slightly warm shower after a way too hot day, seeing a best friend everyday for two weeks straight all day and all night in your favorite place in the world, sweet tea: unlimited, a really good (entire roll) of pictures freshly developed and warm in your hands, a DEEP breath, a BELTING john mayer song, windowns down, good sun tan, uncontrollable joy... ect ect.. get it? its just so good to me. and this girl ( one of the two haha ) is just incredible to me. man... i dont even know how to describe how i feel. she is so beautiful and enjoyable and joyful. and understandable. which is way too uncommon in girls these days. most of them are so confused. its sad.

im sad about it actually.

anyways. they just make me feel so happy. AAAH.

Baruch atah Adonai Eloheinu

today is friday. last night felt like it would never end. some of the times i didnt want it to. i learned a lot. i will keep these secrets until the day i die. i was awake all night. dont you ever forget it.

sometimes, i get so enveloped in how im living, that i stop living. i forget to call. i forget to write back. when my phone breaks, it doesnt even phase me ( my phone broke today, so i cant see anything on the screen. ) im a robot at work, make drinks, clean counters, restock, make drinks, smile, make drinks, clean, breaks, timers, drinks, smile. i dont even think about what im doing. its incredible that i can function when my heart and mind are mostly asleep. some of you may know how i feel. do you understand it. even now as i type im not even thinking about anything. im just typing. breath in breath out. glance, blink, breathe.

close my eyes, breathe in. slowly. open my eyes. breathe out slowly. i feel like i've been living for a hundred years. im a ghost. just haunting those around me. i can barely do that anymore. none of my friends now where i've been. i dont have family. i could almost dissapear. i almost have. i have. invisible. half way audible. not that im speaking anyways, but if i was you wouldnt hear me anyways. it isnt your fault. im just letting myself die. slowly but surely.

goodnight.

what is it that makes us so different? an inherent beauty sleeps in all our bones. awaken, oh great Lover. Love us from our suicide leaps, and our satan games.

a free mind is a beautiful thing.

summer is incomplete without vnecks. crisp, solid white vnecks. man. it just makes everything better. i encourage you to all get out there, get some sun, and where a white vneck. heck yeah. anyways, today was good and bad. lets talk about it. i woke up pretty late, talked to my best friend, got ready and met up with an important woman in my life and read some books with her, had lunch, got asked to apply at a resteraunt (crazy, i know) went shoe shopping, and then i got called into work. freaking dang. i hate being managment sometimes because its MY store and anytime they need something i have to come through. haha. oh well, i love my job and my store and i am willing to suffer some to be succesful. i gotta super bad headache while we were shopping and it made me so mad. so so mad. i just got SO angry at the fact that i had to feel sick. im so tired of it. my body aches, my head pounds, my eyes hurt, my back hurts, my cramps hurt. jesus i need some mercy. anyways that was my day. i was really tired at work, needless to say.

ok, on to more important heart matters. it sucks being sick. it makes me feel like i should just give up and get some rest and let myself feel sick. i want to call out of work, sit down a lot, cry to my sister anna, and eat unhealthy foods. haha. but, i know that will never work so i decide not to do that because if i just give up now then i will never be able to make it up out of the depths. these depths. the hollow dark hallways that i wallow in. i will sit in them. eyes closed, head down. for hours. just thinking of the darkness that lies deep within me. the lies and thievery my heart gets away with everyday. 

Yeshua Hamaschiach, i need you. i need Your Gentle Spirit to guide me. lead me to quiet waters, where light abides inside me. Your Love with be my banner, and i will praise You. all day and night, i will praise You. i get so tired.

i miss jill a lot. its like a small part of my crazy heart is somewhere else. come home.

i will be in intercession this week for my friends. may the Lord bless you and keep you. 

baruch bashem!

a tired sense of day and night.

i've been reading emily dickinson a lot. mewithoutYou blares through my heart, into my sleep, and awakes my thoughts. my phone never rings. "when i told you i loved you, well by God i meant it" andy hull sings my heart on stage several times a week on tour with a band named manchester orchestra. how did he write my mind so accurately? i cant even write my mind accurately. im so sick of being tired. this is my new blog. i will write in it. what dont i write in? i've been thinking this week about the ages and ages i spent alone inside my mind. hurting in my heart. have those years returned to haunt me, or to start over? O'Death. Your sting in here. God of Peace DELIVER ME!