my thoughts are on plans. a wise friend reminded me today that plans make god laugh. i picture this in a bad way. i have so many plans. should i not? hmmm. i think i will keep rough outlines of good intentioned plans. they are good i am sure.

and because it makes me feel great when people mention me. i mention a few.


jillian. how are you so beautiful. your face and smile and laugh brightens my heart, and pulls me along when i am too tired to keep swimming. we are all lost at sea, but with you i dont feel lost at all.

caleb. there is much about you i dont know, but there are things i feel like i am intrinsically connected with. i love you dearly, and its possible that i always will. nothing crushes us, and hurting people maybe hurt people. but it hurts so good. ;)

evan. heres to new friendship. already aching hearts, and wandering friends. i like you. stay around.

annie morning. are you kidding me. you are ridiculous to my eyes. please, make a date with me soon. kisses on the sore.from.smiling cheeks is what i need!

[friend], i think you should know this. maybe you can relate? today (and for some many days before this one) i feel like i am in the deepest valley on the darkest and farthes planet from this one. and im not sure if i will ever reach a mountain top again. and if i do, i feel like that mountain top will be the smallest of all the mountain tops in the whole world. and everyone else will always be higher up. i would be fine with that if it wasnt to painstakingly heartbreaking. but since that is not the case, im at a loss. im not sure what to do with myself these days. i stay up late and read poems about people dying and lovers loving. and then i sleep all day, drag myself to work, keep my mouth shut, drive home, and do it all over again. i cry out desperately to our G-d, and sometimes i feel this joy that i am exactly where he'd have me. but that too quickly fades and im left in the dark again to wonder.

so, what is left to do? manchester orchestra accompanies my moods, and i just sit and stare. on the verge of tears at all times, my eyes are glassy and my smile is slow. i feel forgotten, lost, and barely alive.

just barely.

and maybe not at all.

oh, L-rd.

dear the world,

being jessica vickery isnt easy. its actually quite difficult. its like i was destined to have all these things wrong and still be happy about it. to rejoice and have joy.

that is to really live

then what is to die

oh dear. God has blatently opened doors wider than can be imaginable for me.

this family and that store
or that family and that store.

how good of a God to even allow me to keep my job wherever i have to move? hahahha. You are so good to me, sneaky even.

well. today has been ridiculous. muggy, like im swimming. i spend the entire weekend away from home. (like i even have one) jillian and caleb make my heart feel more questioning, but more solid than ever before. but today was a day that made me ask " are we forcing ourselves to like each other? to want to be together, and to be friends?" it was a day when i felt like i was meant for no one.

hurting people hurt people, but i have a hero complex.

Oh L-rd!

i feel like my heart is an emptying paint bucket. black paint in particular.

god save me.

pale bones, take flight.

sometimes, life really sucks. but atleast theres caleb. his life is sucking right along mine.

thank god for that.

highlight of today:


mom- " thank you Lord, that none of them were hurt and everyone is safe..."
caleb interupts- " NOT YET! my back hurts AND i have a headache, ok?"

mmhmm. thank the Lord.

well, this isnt going to get me anywhere. no one is here to read this and no one is hear to validate these feelings. no one is here to listen. i miss him so much. yes, it is smarter. yes, it is better. but i am just lonely without him here. what am i to do when all i can love is the one thing that i cannot. what am i to say when he tells me he loves me? i cannot say it back. oh but i do. i do. i do. what am i to say when he tells me he misses me, i must hold back i cannot go on. like this, or that. the boundires and lines and curves that we must go around. i want will have to can must fight to keep waiting. keep pushing, praying, proceeding.

i wish there was someone who could hold him while im away, tell him everythings ok.

that i love him, that i need him and that im never giving up.

i cant wait for annies post. i see fire and passion in that girl that cant be reckoned with. i love her. nice.

:)

today im recording. like my voice and music. hahahaha

scary

I moved around from town to town
lots of people around, but still so lonely

friendships would grow then i'd hit the road
making up excuses for why i had to leave

always been too scared and unprepared
to let anybody get too close to me

but when i met you right away i knew
you would never ever ever hurt me

and the road's still long but you come along
and you hold my hand and you understand

when i look at you i can't believe it's true
you're all i ever dreamed of and you love me
and you love me, and you love me

oh boy. life is such a whirlwind to me. but this romance inside me, this beating heart. it slows it down. i could go years, just for a few seconds of this feeling. i am all alone in this. no one will understand. i know that, and i hope it stays that way forever. i cant even find words to explain it. its like this: furious winds. confusing mirages. huge, huge setbacks. changes, ups and down, all arounds. everything is different, every second. but there is this distant light far away that is always set right in front of my. and by surprise it comes close, through the winds. breaks past the barries, tears down invisible walls, and upon a closer look its a bright angel. it softens, moves closer. and holds me. im safe here.

i am safe here.

get behind me satan, bring it all now or later. i dont care. i know where i am safe.

all my love resides in the northern carolinas. " i've never missed you so much, i just wanna be with you where you are "

come home, to me.