[friend], i think you should know this. maybe you can relate? today (and for some many days before this one) i feel like i am in the deepest valley on the darkest and farthes planet from this one. and im not sure if i will ever reach a mountain top again. and if i do, i feel like that mountain top will be the smallest of all the mountain tops in the whole world. and everyone else will always be higher up. i would be fine with that if it wasnt to painstakingly heartbreaking. but since that is not the case, im at a loss. im not sure what to do with myself these days. i stay up late and read poems about people dying and lovers loving. and then i sleep all day, drag myself to work, keep my mouth shut, drive home, and do it all over again. i cry out desperately to our G-d, and sometimes i feel this joy that i am exactly where he'd have me. but that too quickly fades and im left in the dark again to wonder.
so, what is left to do? manchester orchestra accompanies my moods, and i just sit and stare. on the verge of tears at all times, my eyes are glassy and my smile is slow. i feel forgotten, lost, and barely alive.
just barely.
and maybe not at all.
oh, L-rd.
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5 comments:
at least everyone loves you! hah.
things have gotten a bit better for me, but for a while i've just felt clueless. i'd cry out and just get frustated, saying i'm ready already! and just waiting, waiting to feel alive again and to feel like i'm living the life of a follower i should be. but it felt like nothing happened and gah! it was just the same thing everyday, for weeks. i'd stay up till 3 sometimes talking to people- if i could find someone to talk to- or literally just lying around. then i'd sleep to 12 or 1 and start my next "day" of nothing (would have been nice to have a job then). that's why i showed you guys those jones bottle caps, "change your routine" was my favorite. but somewhat recently (like at the o'brother show when i got there, everyone seemed to be like "evan!" and it was awesome b/c well, yeah. that's never happened before ha. and i see jesse getting greeted like that everywhere we go, and i just felt like something. this is a long parenthesis) i've been getting to know more people. and it's been okay.but idk, just hang in and be glad you're not extremely awkward like me.
oh dear.
ill respond in my blog....
or....
you know i know this all too well.
like a map of my heart and mind...life now for awhile.
And it sounds so crazy....
but its the best we cold ever be.
Suffering....we think that tryin to be close to G-d and happy means...slightly painless.
no...suffering...and in the suffering is where we are MOST LIKELY to crawl....scream out to our G-d.
its what gets us on our knees.
humbly where we belong.
somedays your up most days your down.
But keepin your eyes lookin for for that next glimpse of Him is what its about.
no matter what we think...for all the pain...
the suffering is well worth it.
the suffering is...WHERE IT'S AT!
(make it a 90's rap song!)
no but really...ugh.
praise Him for a feeling of anything.
and KNOW...and know there is victory in the end.
we are all trying to fighting this.
why thank you j.v. [: that makes meh giddy. we'll hang out soon. i may be with scallywags all next week, depends on if we even have a show friday or not, though.
and jesus suffered most his life, so eh! i think we'll be fine.
he is right.....sweet Jesus I SWEAR that love you.
He did suffer....our Father.
i love Him....
so suffering is beautiful.
i forget that a lot.
forigve me.
G-d.
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