the beginning of the end

its funny how i think of things these days. this morning i heard a song line " you always fold before youre found out" and i thought to myself i could never say that outloud. i could never be so honest.

but its the truth.

the honest to god truth.

i always fold before im found out.

so, what does that say to me?

im i liar and i cant even be honest about that

Coincidence is the noteworthy alignment of two or more events or circumstances without obvious causal connection

those cold waters.
that dark emptiness.

what answers are found in this desolation
all the questions asked in this desert

ok well. it seems that this world has some hope afterall. its like i go back and forth between sanity and disbelief and crazyness.

absolute crazyness.

i would like to be known for the potential to be like mother teresa.

sometime tell me that more often.

haha.

i was afraid to be alone. now im scared thats how id like to be. all these faces none the same. how can there be so many personalities? so many lifeless empty hands, so many hearts in great demand. and now my sorrow seems so far away until im taking by these bolts of pain. but i turn them off and tuck them away.

everyday makes them stay now.

what gray clouds! what hard rain!

if anyone can bring me up from this its no one. its You.

Oh, Great Lover lead me home.

i am sitting on this porch, and just breathing. in ... out. in... out. in...... out. and maybe this is really over? maybe i should just walk away. it seems like it always happens this open. i cannot believe my eyes, or ears in this town. i cannot believe your eyes, or your smiles.

i feel like the wolf here, but really its just you. its been you this whole time.

God, punish the wicked? oh great deceivers. the enemy rejoices at this, and causes this.

my flesh is



.... it whatever

i had to edit this one. i've decided (upon the finding that .you. even read this) that i would rather everyone didnt know where i was leaving to. i would rather only a few of you know actually. but, i am leaving. i will be back to see a few of you. mostly jill and caleb haha.

its time for me to leave a lot of the dreams i made in this place behind. because its become a nightmare. and no, i am not saying that its .your. fault. i am not saying that its anyones.

.you. belong in this town, and i dont ever want to belong again.

i am giving up, running away, and giving in just like .you. would call it.


enjoy your life.

my thoughts are on plans. a wise friend reminded me today that plans make god laugh. i picture this in a bad way. i have so many plans. should i not? hmmm. i think i will keep rough outlines of good intentioned plans. they are good i am sure.

and because it makes me feel great when people mention me. i mention a few.


jillian. how are you so beautiful. your face and smile and laugh brightens my heart, and pulls me along when i am too tired to keep swimming. we are all lost at sea, but with you i dont feel lost at all.

caleb. there is much about you i dont know, but there are things i feel like i am intrinsically connected with. i love you dearly, and its possible that i always will. nothing crushes us, and hurting people maybe hurt people. but it hurts so good. ;)

evan. heres to new friendship. already aching hearts, and wandering friends. i like you. stay around.

annie morning. are you kidding me. you are ridiculous to my eyes. please, make a date with me soon. kisses on the sore.from.smiling cheeks is what i need!